What I cannot do for myself

They say, "Idle hands are the devil's workshop." It's amazing that despite my busyness, that my mind finds ways to fantasize and stray far from my Father. It's ironical how I could love God SO much and yet be so mesmerised by my fantasies, even to the point of wanting to give up my relationship with Father. It is a whirlwind of madness and senselessness.

Busyness is an intimate partner and ally of idleness. It leaves me with little time or energy to wait on Father to gain focus and direction. But most of all, it deprives me of allowing Father to love and minister to me deeply and passionately. I run on my own steam, and when that runs out (which is very quickly), I find ways to pump it up with any false semblance of soul-feeding. What I truly value and love erodes without my even knowing it (or maybe I don't want to know). It is like being drunk until one falls so badly and then one fumbles to figure out, "what hit me?" (I've been there.)

At the threshold of something big
I know it. I feel it in me.
The last time I backslided and fell very badly was eight years ago. There's been times I have strayed. But eight years ago was a bad one. (Sorry - can't share the details.) The ministry I took almost a decade to prepare for, I threw away in moments of madness. It has taken the last eight years or more to crawl out of that pit I buried myself in. I didn't think I'd ever come out of it - but by Father's grace I did - and I stress it, ONLY by Father's grace.

My fall closed one door of ministry for me, but now He has graciously opened up many more. Somethings, in fact many things big are going to happen. He has put me on a platform for many to see. There are many things hidden from the public eye that no one knows. It is between my Father and I. No one knows the real secret behind these accolades that I have collected.

I am at the threshold of a bigger ministry than I ever dreamed possible. It will all happen in His time... a writing and teaching ministry, not just among believers but among those outside His Kingdom. Doors will open. I feel it in me. It's just a matter of time.

And here I am struggling again to throw it all away in moments of madness because of my busyness. Because I am too tired and all that I want are quick fixes.

He cares for me
Yesterday I cried to Father. I couldn't pray, I couldn't read, I couldn't help myself. I laid in bed and like Peter cried, "Lord save me." No time nor energy to craft my prayers. Just a desperate cry for help.

I went in a somewhat zombie-like state to my singles meeting. It was supposed to be our fun night. I thought I needed a break from my busy schedule. I didn't have very much in me to relate to anyone. I just needed to go to clear my head from the craziness that was going on inside me.

Father heard my cry for help that I made earlier in the day. I didn't expect that there would be a message preached at the singles meeting. Our leader shared a simple message from from 1 Peter 5:7, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

Gosh - so simple I forgot!

He cares for me. He can get me out of my madness.

The condition? "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time." (verse 6)

There at the meeting, I came back to Father admitting I had no resources within me to live the life He wants me to live. I can charm and fool the world with my charisma and accomplishments. But only Father can help me with these private battles I fight in my head. No long repentance or elaborate ceremonies. Just a simple uncluttered, "sorry Father. Please help me."

This morning, I got up early enough to make it for church service. (Ok I admit I have a hard time getting up in the morning.) I prepared myself for the day. Then I took out my Bible study materials to check out our session for this afternoon. I thought I had prepared it - oops. Nope. It was blank!

I decided to stay home to do it. But I also felt a quiet whisper in my heart that Father wanted to have me. He wanted me with Him and not to pant from one event to another. I was quite grateful actually.

Our passage for Bible study today is Philippians 2. Without even reading further, in my heart I felt prompted to cross reference it to Romans 8. And then later when I looked at our workbook, there it was, a cross reference to Romans 8! I knew Father wanted to speak to me through that passage.

I cried as I read...
Therefore, there is now no condemnation from those who are in Christ Jesus.

I feel powerless and weak. Father reminded me of the resources He has given to me out of my madness...
because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature God did by sending his own Son...

Jesus was led in the desert 40 days (Mark 1:12-13, Matthew 4:1-11). His temptation was not by accident or by the plan of man or by the devil's schemes. He was taken there by the Holy Spirit.

I know that the temptation I am struggling with has great potential for destruction or for deep inner healing that must take place in my life. I have come back a full circle to the place where I failed eight years ago. God had taken me out of that situation to protect me and strengthen me. And now He has led me back again to face the old ghosts in the closet.

So am I out of the danger zone? NO. Am I confident I will get out of this? NO!

I can only cry again, "Lord save me." And trust Him to do for me what I cannot do for myself.

P.S. I found a quote on the Internet... "Put your hands to work and your heart to God."

It's hard to throw away things

Wow, I've not posted anything for many days. There's been so much to do. I'm not getting enough sleep. Had some emergencies with work. And also more things to liase with the house contractors.

Be practical!
I've been doing lots of packing. Were my sister and dad around, they could help sort out their own things. I found letters, notes, cards, photos and other things that brought back many memories. I found a letter dad wrote to my sister when I left Singapore for the Philippines. He wrote to comfort her. My absence was felt very very deeply by them. I cried.

I also found stuff they kept. It told me more about them. It's hard to throw away things. So many memories attached to them. It's like throwing away a precious part of me. I hardened myself on put on my "be practical" hat.

Does one voice matter?

Today is the day I have to make a decision. SG goes to the polls.

Do I take the cowardly way out and not make a choice?
Does any one really know the heart of a man? A king?
One man speaks his case, another speaks his.
Who do you listen to when there is a deluge of information?

Does one voice really matter?
Yes, before God it does.

My constituency is one of the most watched ones. May the Lord watch over each one who has to casts their vote. May we not take our choices lightly, irreverently. It is a privilege not every has. May the Lord's will be done.

Addendum (for yesterday's post)

I found out after checking the website that NAC funding excludes books of a religious nature. Still, it is useful information to know. I can write for a wider audience.

Be my gas

Went for an unplanned for dinner with the NUS gang. There were about 10 of us packed in the van. Lilian who was driving suddenly said, "I'm sorry gang, I'm afraid we've run out of gas. You have to open the windows."

I said, "Oh my goodness, I thought you were going to say, 'I'm sorry gang, I'm afraid we've run out of gas. You have to push the van.' "

Then JL said, "I'm glad you didn't say, 'I'm afraid you have to open the windows, I just let out some gas!"

That started a series of gas jokes...

"Gas what?"
"That's nothing like letting out some gas, and then saying 'Gas who?' "
"Be my gas."
"We're playing gassing games."
"I think we need to clear the air here."

Answered prayer

Got up this morning, took a quick breakfast, and I was off for Day One of my "From Manuscript to Bestseller" workshop. Didn't even have time to sit down with Father. Hmmm. I am just not a morning person. I was thankful I got there five minutes early.

There were about 25 of us signed up for the seminar... some were people already in the industry. Others were people who came because of personal interest. I had been apprehensive about signing up because of the cost and the time. I wondered if I would learn that much - the deciding factor was that I would be able to get to know people in the book industry and grow my network of contacts.

The thick handout that was given to us told me that my lecturer really knows his stuff - I would learn a lot from him. I was attentive despite feeling sleepy and tired. He painted broad strokes of the publishing industry worldwide, and then the publishing scene in Singapore.

Now here's where the exciting part begins...

I had written to my friend PP from the National Library a couple of weeks ago for help with my book - if she could get me connected. She made a call to her colleague LY. And then wrote me an email asking me to contact LL. Well, LL and two other colleagues were at the seminar! What a blessing. LL gave me some suggestion on what I could do.

Then I met an expatriate lady from the National Arts Council of Singapore who told me that the NAC which is backed by the government promotes the Arts and local talent (dance, music, theatre, visual and literary arts). She is in charge of the literary section.

I am so amazed that she, a foreigner, has read many of our local writers* and is pasionate about helping local publishers and especially writers. And more than that, God connect me to her. She told me that I could apply to for funding**to pay for the expenses of my book, eg. to pay for a professional editor to edit my work!! She would be very happy to discuss how she can help me. WOW!!

After lunch, we were split into groups of five. Our assignment was to come up with a book proposal to a publisher (that's like writing an application letter to a potential employer). Then a representative would present it to the rest of the participants to give suggestions and ask questions.

I had already been talking to various ones during breaks and over lunch about Aunty's book. It was only natural that my group used my book to brainstormed ideas for the book proposal since it wasn't an imaginary project but a real one. It was great because a couple of people in my group are already in the publishing business including the expatriate lady :-)

After my OHP presentation to the 25 participants, they gave helpful feedback and suggestions. One man who knew which organisation I was serving with questioned why I was not asking them to publish the book. I told him that I wanted the book to have a wider audience than our organisation.

Someone else said I could consider designating part of the proceeds of the book to Aunty's work. Because people would be more willing to buy if they knew it was for a good cause. I told them that I had already decided to give ALL proceeds to Aunty's work. When I told them that I was in fact leading a team to do a building project for Aunty's tsunami-hit people in Thailand in July, the whole group applauded!

It was interesting that after I explained a bit about Aunty (I didn't emphasise the religious part of the book but the literary aspect), someone in the group said, "No one can do this kind of work, it is a calling." And others agreed. Secular people do understand the concept of "calling".

I think what thrilled me the most was the fact that my book had generated interest even among the those outside my circle! When I went to take my seat, several ones shouted across the tables that they wanted to buy my book! I got permission from the lecturer to pass a piece of paper around tomorrow to ask for the contacts of the participants for future networking (and also of course to tell them when the book is ready).

After all five groups presented their proposals, my lecturer came to me and gave me a little prize (a pocket calculator) for making the best presentation :-)

I had prayed last year that Father would open the doors for me to connect with those outside my Family through my writings. On January 12 this year, I got a full page article published in the Today papers. And now, here's another door opening up. Praise Father indeed.

** LM told me that a university in Manila has been using our local writer Christine Suchen Lim's book, "Fistful of Colours", for their text book for the past five years!

----------------------------------------------------------
Writer Suchen Christine Lim Festival Bound
Tuesday, 9 December 2003, 11:50 am
Press Release: New Zealand Festival

MEDIA RELEASE
8 December 2003

WRITER SUCHEN CHRISTINE LIM FESTIVAL BOUND
Prizewinning author Suchen Christine Lim becomes the first writer from Singapore to take part in the New Zealand Post Writers and Readers Week when she appears as a guest of the Festival in March 2004.

Lim has just been signed up to appear at the Festival.

Described as one of the foremost post-colonial writers in the world today, Lim was the inaugural winner of the Singapore Literature Prize in 1992 for her third novel A Fistful of Colours.

A third generation descendant of illiterate Chinese immigrants, Lim grew up on both sides of the causeway that divides Singapore and Malaysia. This landscape provides the setting for a body of work that touches on the inherent contradictions and limitations of Singaporean politics, as well as the culture and history of her homeland.

Lim was writer-in-residence at the University of Iowa in 2000, and has held similar posts in Australia and Burma.

A Fistful of Colours (1993) is a multi-layered novel that takes in 80 years of Singapore's history in one day in the life of teacher-artist, Su-wen. Lim's most recent novel, A Bit of Earth (2000), set in colonial Malaya subverts colonial stereotypes and is about the rise of a Chinese poet's son from tin miner to tycoon and clan leader who questioned British colonial laws.

Other work includes the novels Ricebowl (1984), about a nun who organised a peace march in Singapore and Gift from the Gods (1990) which deals with the loves and values of three women from three generations of the same family. She has also written short fiction and works for children.

Suchen Christine Lim appears at the New Zealand Post Writers and Readers Week with the support of the National Arts Council of Singapore.

New Zealand Post Writers and Readers Week runs from 9-14 March 2004 and a full event programme will be released on 5 February. The New Zealand International Arts Festival runs from 27 February - 21 March 2004.

** they only sponsor non-religious books. Still it was useful information to be aware of.

911

Work has a way of expanding itself. It take longer and more work than I anticipate them. One thing ends up becoming three or four. I'm not complaining. I'm just learning that I need to make more margins. But then again, there are just some things you cannot anticipate.

Father encouraged me this morning when I made my 911 call to Him...

"I, Wisdom, will make the hours of your day more profitable
and the years of your life more fruitful."
- Proverbs 9:11 (Living Bible)

From Manuscript to Bestseller

Tuesday, May 02, 2006
From Manuscript to Bestseller

For the next three days, I will be attending a workshop by the National Book Council of Singapore...

From Manuscript to Bestseller
A Three-day workshop on the Multi-faceted Processes in Book Publishing

OBJECTIVE
This workshop will provide all those with an interest in book publishing an understanding of the complexities of the processes involved. They will learn both the overview and details of what goes into a book from manuscript to display on the bookshelves. With the help of lectures, case studies, group work and written exercises, this programme provides the practical applications of the intricacies of publishing.

COURSE OUTLINE
Main issues in publishing, marketing, publicity, brand management, book design, editing, illustration, colour separation, choice of paper, binding and author management.

TARGET AUDIENCEEditors, writers, book marketers, publishing personnel, librarians, publication and communication officers in private and public sectors and all those with an interest in book publishing and production.

DATE and TIME
3 – 5 May 2006 (Wed – Fri)
8.30am to 5pm

VENUE
Furama RiverFront Singapore, 405 Havelock Road

WORKSHOP LEADER
TAN CHEE TEIK has more than 25 years' experience in book and journal publishing, journalism, subediting, technical writing, and print production. He is managing director of Surwin Associates and consultant to a bi-monthly business and management magazine.

COURSE FEE
$390.00 per person (includes lunch, two tea breaks with refreshments each day) Payment is to be made in Singapore Dollars, by cheque or bank draft, payable to “NBDCS” and sent to the workshop organiser. Fees paid are non-refundable but transferable. Requests for substitution must be made a week before the course commences.

I still don't know who I will vote for

Went for a swim this evening. I did only 10 laps (half my usual). I got to the pool late, and besides, there was an opposition party rally just outside the pool. I wanted to go home before the rally ended to avoid the jam when the rally ends.

Hmmm. I still don't know who I'll vote for.

Biting off more than I can chew

Woke up this morning with a panic attack. I feel really happy at how things are going, but at the same time, I have to admit how overwhelmed I feel with all that is on my plate.

I had a great time with Mum yesterday. We went to pick tiles for the new place and also lunch together. It was nice to negotiate with her in our choices and to end up with a happy decision about which to use. There were so many choices!

I went over to the old house to continue packing stuff. My whole body is aching. But my heart is really happy that we are bonding together. We actually had a blow up at each other on Saturday (29 April). But it was good because it made us honest with what we were feeling inside and to say it to one another. So now we assured of each other's love.

I also had a great time with the Singles team that is going for the Community Service. It was so encouraging to see how enthusiastic they are about going. Most of them have problems with getting leave, but I can see that they are excited about doing something meaningful with their lives.

I really need Father to carry me through this season of my life. I am sure I have bitten off more than I can chew or disgest. But I will trust Him to provide all the resources I need to do them. If you pray for me, please ask Father to help me get adequate rest and sleep, and to not neglect my time with Him.