The magic hasn't left

For the past week, I struggled with feelings of rejection and negative thoughts. I was concerned for a while that aunty's "magic" had gone, and I had disconnected myself with God. I tried to apply what I learnt from my studies in Philippians. I often think of aunty, and how she is Philippians incarnate.

Two days ago, I lost my MRT card. I felt very upset over it. I turned my room upside down and checked all my usual hiding places, but I couldn't find it. I tried remembering, but I couldn't remember anything.

I used to ask God to help me find my things whenever I lose them. Then I started to feel really paiseh and bad about making God my "search engine." So I kind of stopped asking Him for such "trivial" things. I would tell myself that "it serves me right for being so careless" and that "I deserve this."

Then I remembered what Paul said, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. " -- Philippians 4:5-6

I thought I had better take God at His word -- why deprive myself of the privilege to ask Him? I remembered how aunty would ask Him for even the smallest thing.

So I asked. Pleaded actually would have been more accurate. I don't know why a silly MRT card could get to me like that. The whole day it was nagging me.

Aunty would always get miracle answers, and for a while, God was doing those "aunty Esther" type miracles for me too. I guess I wondered if the "magic" would run out.

Well, I found the card! Would you believe I found it in my washing machine? I would have NEVER checked there. The card must have fallen off my pocket when I left my pants on my bed. I must have swiped it together with my blanket when I put it in the laundry last night. I was planning to do the washing this evening.

Just now, I went to the machine to put in more clothes. I don't know what made me take the blanket out of the machine. I wasn't thinking of looking in there for the card. Why would I?

Well anyway, when I pulled out the blanket, there it was lying there staring at me!!

Yippee do! The magic hasn't left.

The pre and post aunty Esther princess

My life is now divided into the pre-aunty Esther and post-aunty Esther era. So deeply has she impacted my life.

The past week, the pre-aunty princess made a comeback. I got rather discouraged with myself. I am too embarassed to write about the stupid things I've been thinking and feeling. Meeting SC's friend opened up a part of me I tried to put at rest.

I feel like a parachute* that's been released -- and now I am having to carefully fold and pack up the chute into the knapsack again. If I don't do a proper job at it, I might just kill myself the next time I take a plunge.

I wish I could put this matter at rest once and for all. But it doesn't work that way for me.

For me, its the issue of handling loneliness and longings. For aunty, it's the issue of fear. Having been with her for more than a month, I have seen those fears arise. But I have also seen how she manages them.

She keeps running back to her Father.

I guess if I look at it from another angle, it's this area that keeps me very humbled and running back to my Father over and over again, and I guess that's good.

Anyway, I called my buddy / best friend since primary school. We don't get to see each other as often as we'd like to. Our lives have gone off in totally different tangents. But we always have a home, a friend in each other. There's no need for warm ups and formalities. We can get to the point.

She prayed with me over the phone for about half an hours. I do have much to be thankful for.

The post-aunty princess is back, by the Father's grace.

* Did you know that the word parachute comes from the French words para, protect or shield, and chute, to fall. Therefore parachute actually means to protect from a fall.

After the 20 day silence... part two

Mon 19 ALe moved out at about 8 am. I helped her with her stuff. I felt a loss when she left even though we don't yet know each other. I wanted so much to be able to love/invest/mentor someone younger, like what aunty did for me. I had hopes we could be good companions with each other.

SC's friend, TMC, sent an SMS to me early in the day. He was keen to meet, and to talk over the phone. We exchanged 2 or 3 messages through the day to make arrangement. I told him I had BS on in the evening. He said he doesn't sleep early anyway, and asked me to SMS him when I got home so he could call.

The Mission Director (MD) who got me into aunty's project called me. He had spoken to my ND who's supportive but concerned that I didn't get my regular work done. Frankly, I really wish I could drop everything just to write aunty's book.

But I don't want to put my MD in a spot. The Lord reminded me that even my desire to pursuit writing, my desire to have a (quick) change in my portfolio, and my desires for a break has to be surrendered to the Him.

I submit to my leaders as unto the Lord and trust that He will work something out better than I can imagine.

Only two came for BS. ALe joined us for the first time. I am enjoying our study in Philippians. The apostle wrote this epistle from prison. Some of us are going through tough times - my heart aches for my precious ones. My prayer is that the truths of Philippians will take root deeply in our hearts and free us from whatever "prisons" we might find ourselves in.

Should I be surprised?

I must admit, all day yesterday I struggled with negative thoughts... feelings of disappointment with how leaders sometimes manage matters. I drag my feet to serve them joyfully.

"Surely the Lord is in this place and I did not know it..."

Lord, how are You in this place of disappointment? The Lord tells me...

It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes. -- Psalm 118:9

Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save. -- Psalms 146:3

Many seek an audience with a ruler, but it is from the LORD that man gets justice. -- Proverbs 29:26

In a sense it is my fault that I am disappointed. God told me not to bank my hopes of mortal man. Even the best of leaders fail -- I shouldn't be surprised.

I decided to leave the matter for the Lord to manage. It's a moment by moment decision. I don't need to get uptight and ruffled over powers that be, and matters beyond me.