My $11 swim

Tuesdays have been my swimming evenings for some months now.

I was all packed and ready for my swim last evening (as usual). I've been desperately looking for swimming kakis all these months without success. In fact I've been trying to find kakis to do things together... I figured, if no BF, no husband, then the other best thing is have friends.

Someone had agreed to stay with me for a few months. But then plans changed. So ok, no housemate. I invite a couple of friends over for a meal, then I get an email or an sms - plans change. I invited someone to stay over night, but last minute, SMS, "Sorry. Too tired. I can't come over. I'll see you tomorrow." So, hmmm... you guessed it, alone again...

I figured, if I waited till someone came along, I'd never do half the things I'd like / need to do... so, ok, grit teeth, go swim, go gym, go whatever.

So back to my $11 swim story... Last evening (Tuesday) at about 5 pm, ZQ came up to the office - while we were chatting away, he happened to mention that five of "the SENDers had just left 10 minutes ago to go for a swim."

URGH!!!!!! Hey how come like that God? You know very well I've been looking for kakis. And TONIGHT is my swimming night, and TONIGHT they are all going. Then how come I missed the boat AGAIN?

It wasn't anybody's fault. It was just the way things worked out. The SENDers were having their prayer retreat (who would think they'd incorporate swimming as part of their programme?!) And I did tell people I was going swimming -- but I told the people who were not going to swim (not the SENDers -- so of course they didn't ask me).

Anyway, I felt like bursting into tears. (So stupid right?) But then I was in the office. And I'm supposed to be Coms Director right? I'm supposed to be the department BOSS. I'm supposed to be in-charge. Wah - because of swimming and nobody's fault, how to cry??? So ok, I hold back my tears.

And I felt angry -- not at anyone (errr.... hmmm... God?)

It was a frenzy of phone calls. ZQ tried to help me call - we called every single one of the SENDers. They were already plunged into the pool I guess.

So then I was determined I was going - I just closed shop and made a taxi driver $6 richer and happier. Then of course it was a PRIVATE club. And I couldn't get any of them -- so how to get in??

I convinced the security guard to let me in :-)) He was nice about it. Then I found HY, and she told me that everyone was in the shower room GETTING READY TO LEAVE!! URGHHHHH! Then I was so mad, I don't care. I walked up to lady who was in-charge of the changing room and convinced her that my friend was in the MEN's changing room and I can't go in to let him know I'm here (because besides signing in a the main entrance, you have to sign in to get into the changing room too) . I asked if she would let me go to the ladies room to change into my swimsuit so that I wouldn't have to waste time. And I promised her that he would SURE to sign me in as his guest.

So then her other colleague came to see what was going on. And I repeated my WHOLE story which I am sure neither of them could make head or tails about... but they let me go get changed.

Then when I came out, there was BL and gang, and a somewhat mini commotion with the two changing room I/Cs, trying to figure out how come he's got five guests signed in when he came in with only four!!

Then of course, Miss-I-Don't-Care-I'm-Going-To-Swim, walks out in her swimsuit all ready to swim. And then BL cleared it with the I/Cs and signed me in.

And so, I had my swim... and they all left... and so, there goes all my efforts to look for kakis to do things with. I paid $6 to make a taxi driver happy, and it cost another $5 (which BL said he'd pay) to swim at the private pool... (it cost me 90 cents at the public pool -- I bought one of those stored value cards).

So $11 and still no kakis to swim with.... sigh.

I just swam and swam. I was so angry. And I cried and cried... aiyoh, so melodrama... outside my goggles was water, and INSIDE my goggles also start filling up with water (my tears lah silly!) And my goggles got all foggy because I just cried and cried. And of course, nobody knew I was crying cos there was water, water, everywhere.

So I had no kakis, but I swam my 20 or 22 laps -- I don't know. I lost count cos I was so upset. Then I went to the steam room, so foggy, so can cry some more.

And I came home and continued crying.

Yah, so stupid lah. But now, I'm still crying and crying... hiyah.

BTW, I'm going fishing next week... so many people pulled out and now I'm the only lady going. Sigh, I wish there was another lady going with me. I've emailed and I've SMS. Nobody's available to go. Now I'm two minds about whether to go or not.

Cheese cake... ahahhaa...

Just back from BS. Enjoyed the session this evening. Glad for the openness in sharing. Trust that the bearing of our lives will ultimately help us remove ignorance and deception from our lives so we can become more like Jesus. It's so easy to live in delusion when left on our own.

Anyway, I am glad we offer a safe place for each other.

Fun -- we had our share of teasing this evening... ahhaha... "cheese cake." Ok ok, I don't just tease, I do pray for God's blessing and guidance on Miss Cheese Cake recipient and of course the Cheese Cake maker.

I appreciated SL's initiative to have tea. And, that she got SY to come too. It was a good dialogue.

Lots more to share but brains abit fuzzy... tired now... more next time.

Keep your servant...

This morning, Psalm 19 ministered to me.

v1-6 Creation is one way God reveals Himself to us.
We can wow and wow over what He has made.

But to experience His Person and His personal interest in us, we need His Word
v7-11 says His Word:

• revives the soul
• makes wise the simple
• gives joy to the heart
• gives light to the eyes
• warns us of potential perils in our lives
• rewards us when we obey
• His Word has the power to change my life -- and do I desperately need change!

Interesting observations

• God's power is demonstrated in creation. Take away creation, and there will be no power, no bite (like a toothless lion)
• God's Word explains important matters to us. Eg. take away the clear revelation of His Word, and we can interprete and misinterprete and make whatever we want of creation (or anything for that matter).
• God's power seen in creation and God's power seen in His Word go hand in hand.
  
  v6 says, "nothing is hidden from its heat"
  v12 says, "Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults."
  Seems like God is in the business of searching us.
  

God's desire for us that there be no dissonance in our lives, ie. what we say and what is in our hearts are one and the same
And that they both (speech and heart) ultimately please Him

I think it all needs to start with

• v9 a fear of God
• v10 a deep desire and hunger for Him / His Word
• v13 a prayer to God to keep us from hidden faults, willful sins and great transgression

What if all that is not in place? What if we don't have a fear of God, or a hunger for Him, or to pray?

How appropriate that the psalmist ends with declaring the Lord, "My Rock and My Redeemer"
My Rock to stand on
My Redeemer because he knows that when all else fails, God is the one who redeems him

We cannot do it on our own.

O Lord, My Rock and My Redeemer, keep me.

He didn't forget

Hey! Remember I asked God on Monday, 21 March, if He had forgotten me?

In 2001, I had a misunderstanding with someone (in fact with three persons). To cut the long story short, I felt I was unjustly accused of things I felt I was innocent of. Their prejudice toward me remains even now. Thinking back of that time always fills me with grief. And each time I relate to them, I still feel a sharp jabbing pain in my heart. There's not much you can do if people have already decided in their minds about you.

Well, today, I got a call from someone -- he spent more than an hour expressing his concerns and frustrations. Finally someone else experienced what I went through. Finally someone said, "Now, I understood." Finally I have an alliance.

Well, this person who spoke to me is not in a position to remedy the situation. But even if nothing can be done (except pray) about the persons involved, I feel vindicated.

When injustice seems to prevail, got to take heart. Sometimes it takes a long time, and maybe never in this side of heaven will we see things set right... but justice will prevail, eventually.

In the meantime... patience my heart, God is in control.

There I go again...

I took the morning off to collect my health screen test at the clinic only to realise I had gone for my appointment ONE WEEK ahead of time!! Aiyoh! So blurr. Didn't I tell you, I've been doing this alot.

Sigh.

That aside, I am making progess with the cover design for NN.
I've got 2 articles I'm supposed to write (besides a host of other nitty gritty stuff to follow up on)

Oh! I must remember to give thanks...
I got my Tiger Airways return tickets to the Philippines for S$180.96. Wah! That is a steal... its a no frills three-and-half hour flight to Clark Airbase. No seating allots, so gotta cheong. And, if you want a meal, you've got to buy it onboard. Ta-pau not allow.

I might just find myself travelling more often to the Philippines if this flight proves to be a good one. It will take an additional two-hour travel on the road from Clark to Manila. I'll make sure I buy myself travel insurance :-)

Dear God

Have you forgotten me?

The two men in my life

My two nephews just left my home. Got them each to do a Power Point project. Mostly so I could spend time with each of them and also to give them a chance to explore using the computer. They took turns on the computer, while the other watched TV... we watched two and half movies together :-)

They said they wished they could stay overnight :-)

Had decided at the beginning of the year that I would make time for my loved ones. The days are always so busy and it was a challenge to juggle time but I'm so glad we managed.

My meeting with the PRT surfaced the same old issues... there were some practical things for me to do to help myself. More about that later.

I had to return my second-hand HP notebook. I was barely able to use it -- the keyboard started giving way. The seller was nice to offer to take it back.

P.S. The two boys did an impressive job with the Power Point :-) hehehe... they got some of their aunty's artistic genes.

God is very kind to me

I don't know what it is with me. A couple of days ago, I lost my two-day-old glasses.

Yesterday, I overslept in the train and had to take a slightly longer time to get to my stop... sigh, only to realise that this time, I got off one stop earlier. So then I had to get back into the station again -- sigh... had to pay an extra fare :-((

This evening, I collected my mail from my box -- and left my keys hanging on the mailbox. I realised it just when the elevator reached my floor. I went down and found it still hanging that. God is very kind to me to spare me the hassle of having to make new sets of keys.

My mum used to say if my head were not attached to my body, I might leave it behind somewhere. Hmmm... there may be some truth to that. LOL.

Take my heart

Will be meeting with the People Resource Team from the US to take stock regarding my role fit in the ministry on Wednesday. I guess the thought of meeting them has pushed again to the forefront thoughts and issues about the future.

I have to admit, I've come up with mostly depressive thoughts. I guess there's that one longing to settle down. Nothing occupies me or eats me up more than this. It's an everyday uphill climb to keep holding on to the Lord.

I was comforted at BS this evening from Psalm 139:11-12

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

It's precisely what I've been saying to myself... how dark the future looks. (How come the thought of the gazilions of people who are in a worst off state that I am doesn't make me feel better?)

Take heart my heart. Even though the darkness (real or imagined) hides me, it as as light to Him who holds my future.

P.S. The Lord provided a second hand three-year-old HP notebook... light on the pocket, heavy on the back! Thank you Lord.

Boo hoo...

Jus got another SMS. JJ's not coming after all.

Ok ok. No complaining.

The bad news and the good

The bad news... I ended up not buying a notebook computer at the IT 2005 show today.
The good news... I saved me S$2500+ because I didn't buy it.

The bad news... I don't have a notebook computer.
The good news... I still have two desktops -- at the office and at home.

The bad news... I lost my brand new $14 two-day-old pair of reading glasses.
The good news... I didn't lose the other new $68 two-day-old long distance pair I made.

The bad news... I wasted a lot of today feeling sore about my own carelessness for losing the glasses.
The good news... I finally remembered to give thanks that SK, our Administrator, bought me a new 19" flat screen monitor -- wah! so happy.

I was really complaining all day today about my glasses, then the Lord reminded me, "how come you forgot about giving thanks for the nice things that happened today?" Like SK's thoughtfulness and generosity, the things I learnt at the IT show, God's provision of transport to and from the show etc...

I hold things too tightly.

And now, a little bit about yesterday
I found a seventeen-year-old's wallet when I got off the bus on my way home last evening. I went through the wallet for identification so that I could return it... girl friend's photo, ezlink card, money, discount coupons, but no phone number. But yes, there was his ID card.

It was rather dark, and I was a little too embarrassed to take out my reading glasses (some girls saw me pick up the wallet -- I saw them whispering -- I guess they wondered what I'd do with it. Hahaha... for sure I won't be very much richer keeping it. The kid didn't have very much money!)

Because I didn't want to reveal my age {8-( }I strained my eyes hard to read the address... Block 154.

Hmmm... I had got off at block 121. I decided to be a nice person and return the wallet to him. So I walked... block 134, 137... hmmm... I didn't seem to be getting any where near the 150s. I asked for directions - 154 remained illusive. I had already walked past two bus stops!

Then it dawned on me why any one would get off two bus stops away from home? So this time, I took out my brand new reading glasses (yes, the pair which I lost today -- sigh). And, oh no! It was block 114 not 154. (That's the price for not wanting to look my age!)

Anyway, I did my good deed for the day, knocked at his door -- returned the wallet to his very suspicious dad who opened the door. Why wouldn't he be suspicious? It was 10 pm -- and this strange woman comes looking for his 17 year-old. Hahaha I guess that means I won't have my reward in heaven now that I've exposed my "good deed" on the WWW.

Oh yes, one more
The bad news... I am still not meeting my 11 pm curfew / bed time. Sigh, will I ever break this habit. I can see the dark circles round me eyes. Just can't seem to sleep at night.
The good news... I am making progress on the newsletter project. Hopefully, I can get it to the printers next week.

Ok, that's all for now I guess. Got to get my camera equipment ready for tomorrow's wedding photo shoot.

P.S. Yeah! Just got an SMS, JJ is coming over to stay at my place tonight so we can go to the wedding together early tomorrow morning.

Addendum

Ok I'm home... and I plan to get to bed as I had decided early this year... 11 pm... so just a short one... I appreciated the other ladies coming too :-) and for making the day special for HX.

I really love these wonderful ladies.

That's all. Till the next time...

Is the seed germinating?

Still in the office. Waiting for a ride home :-) It's been a long day of meetings. So I'm already in shut down mode as far as work in concerned. Read on if you can bear with more ramblings.

After the "shifting of my finish line" incident, I decided some things just need more time -- I sent the various reports to the different ones to check the articles. Time to get started with my other projects.

JJ said she was ministered to by the bonding session yesterday. Had spent time asking the Lord about what to do with the time. I felt that was what He wanted me to do. Anyway, I took stock of the session and wondered if I had heard Him right and if the session ministered. There're always ways things can be done better. So her feedback (without my asking) was affirming.

Sometimes one wonders if what one does is what's appropriate or what's needed. I guess I'm constantly looking for feedback, or maybe affirmation and approval. I think maybe that's not always good. I should be more confident, especially after praying and asking God for guidance and wisdom, that He would use and multiply what I do.

It's kind of like planting a seed -- impatient me -- I'm constantly wanting to dig up the soil to check if the seed's germinating. I keep wanting to know what's going on below the surface. Hahaha... silly me - in my wanting to know (and seeking affirmation), I'll kill the plant!

Hmmm... then it makes me wonder too -- if I'm serving the ladies, or serving me -- finding my sense of self in how they are doing?? Oh what a terrible way to love and serve. Amazing that God can and wants to use me. And, thankfully, they're patient with me.

Really appreciated how SL opened her home to us. I know there was personal cost involved in hosting us (I know, I've done it many times -- finance, time in preparation and then in clean up, plus rescheduling family/personal activities...) I'm always trying to make it easier for the ladies -- but love grows as we learn to sacrifice -- I shouldn't try to be overprotective of them, and deprive them of the joy of sacrifice and service. That was how I grew, in case I forget!

My prayer this year is that we would each "spend ourselves" (Isaiah 55:10) and stretch beyond our natural capacities and abilities and allow the Lord to use us. It will push us to greater dependence on Him. I'm praying for each one to reach one -- because we believe in the worth of every individual, and that God can make the least become a thousand.

"The least of you will become a thousand,
the smallest a mighty nation.
I am the LORD ;
in its time I will do this swiftly." -- Isaiah 60:22

As I listen to HX go through her time of wrestling. I suppose I still have my unresolved issues and unanswered questions about God too. Not too much different from her questions. But maybe I've come a little farther along the way... kind of like when all the disciples began to leave Jesus cos His teachings got abit too hard for them and Peter said -- where else do I go to Lord? You alone have the words of eternal life (my own paraphrase, John 6:68).

God doesn't make sense to me, but then the alternative of not hanging on to Him isn't an option for me. I've tried the alternatives and come a full circle. Well, like I said, how I want to protect the ladies from pain. But that's like clipping the wings of a butterfly in the making. So I can only be there as much as I can -- and pray. God's not finished with any of us. I'm glad she came for the session yesterday.

Ooops. My ride is here. More ramblings next time.

Hey! Who moved the finish line?

Just when I am nearing my finish line and thinking I'm winning -- someone comes and shifts the finish line a little further -- just out of my reach.

Presented one of the reports to one of the leaders to make sure that everything was in place. He wanted it completely changed -- the page on his report I mean. The change will set me back some more... sigh. After the months of hard work, and the past two weeks especially of working almost day and night to complete the task, I thought I could send the 24 page full colour project to the printers by next week.

I just broke down and cried.

I see his point - and I have no arguments about it. It's not his fault. There was nothing personal in what he said. I know he appreciates and values my work. Still it's terrible when you've put your heart and soul into a piece of work only to find that it's got to be done again (and for good reasons.)

Decided to take the day off tomorrow. It doesn't help to be too near a project -- and let it consume you. Time to quieten my heart -- I haven't taken time off nor spend quality time with the Lord. And I have felt for days His quiet invitation to linger with Him.

So anyway, here I am, enjoying my Christian CDs. Spent time praying for the ladies, and asking the Lord what to do for our bonding time on Sunday. HX came online. Chatted with her for some time.

Yeah! I'm going to sleep in tomorrow. Let my body have a good rest, and take my much needed Sabbath.

Helpless feelings of a friend

Still copying the file for JJ, so there's time for a quick note.

I work up yesterday morning feeling absolutely terrible for losing those precious archives -- my guilt feelings have not let up. I pretty sure it's not anywhere in the house. I dread the day someone will ask me where those archives are. Sigh...

If I think my troubles were big... listening to HX share the latest happenings at work -- I am really sorry for what she's going through. I pray that she'll see light at the end of the dark tunnel. No words can comfort can it? I think there are times we journey alone...

I pray she'll find God as her one true Emmanuel. When that happens, I hope she'll remember the helpness feeling of her friends who tried to stick around to incarnate Emmanuel for her.

What it means to be a woman in a man's world

Gained good insights as RT took us through the book of Ruth. His sharing spoke to me and hit some sore spots in my life that I am grappling with or need healing in. I'd write about it right now except it IS past my bed time :-(

SL said this evening I've got dark panda eyes... sigh... help... Gotta get to bed EARLY... and I don't mean like after 12 am early... check me please!

Trust the others have been ministered to too.... any thought ladies?

P.S. I'm up at this hour still cos' I'm converting the sharing I recorded so I can pass it to JJ when I see her tomorrow. Ok ok... excuses... sigh...