4.24 am!

Alright, I know I said I'd work at getting to bed by 11 pm... I haven't been successful :-(

As you will notice, it IS 4.24 am and I am still at my computer. It's been like that the past three nights -- sleeping at 4, getting up at 8, and then its back to the computer again. It's hard to stop when the creative juices are flowing (all inspired by this thing called DEADline!)

A 24-page full colour magazine for the organisation
Another 20-page full colour for church
Plus other projects that keep crying out for my attention

Ok, I WILL work at it. I just need to meet my deadlines first.

Sigh.

P.S. I'm thankful I do enjoy my work. I can't imagine myself working like this if I didn't.

An affair that needs to end

Spent some quiet moments reflecting on my life last night. We're supposed to be thinking about the areas we want to work on in 2005. It seems like things have been laid out for me without my having planned for them -- the projects have already lined themselves up (actually, a good number of them are carry overs from last year!) Rather overwhelming to begin the new year with.

I had an interesting insight -- it must seem silly when it's really quite obvious -- that is, that I need eight hours of sleep every day.

Blame it on the computer I suppose (isn't that what I'm doing now?). I spend most of my day in front of the monitor. It's work you see. When I come home, my computer woos and beckons me -- it's the only thing that interacts with me, entertains me, engages me, keeping me up sometimes through the wee hours of the morning. I suppose its my way of coping with the aloneness.

I figured some of my problems would resolve themselves...
like, I'd be able to go to the office not tired
or make my way to the gym
or be alert so I can hear God speak to me (I think He's been trying to talk to me, but I've been too tired.)

So my major application for 2005 -- sleep!

Let it be for the record, I'm ending my love affair with my computer. (I mean, I'll manage my affair with my computer.)

I'll work at getting to bed by 11 pm (wah, that will be a challenge!)

A bridge just for me

For whatever reason, the government is building a bridge across the highway that divides my brother's housing estate from mine. At the moment, it takes me a good half hour to get to his place. Once that's completed, I will only be 10 minutes walking distance from him!

A large dose of God's help

I'm making progress with my project - slowly but surely. I still have anxiety attacks about not being able to pull the issue together... I go through this every single time I put together a piece of work. People call me gifted. I still think its a mixture of fluke and a large dose of God's help.

Anyway, its almost eleven, and I am still at the office punching on the keyboard... at the moment, it's more like I'm staring blankly at the screen.

My brains have gone on screen-saver mode already (hence the blogging). I guess I should shut down now.

For the record

I'd like to put it down on record that today is the happiest day I have felt in a long long time. I don't know what happened. Suddenly it felt like sunshine in my heart :-)

Hmmm... let me recollect today...

I missed my bus this morning (I cursed under my breath... yes, I'm not supposed to curse.) Then, within less than 2 minutes, another bus came! Wah - I certainly didn't deserve such quick service after my nasty grumblings and rotten attitude... I was thinking I would write to Transitlink again (yes, I've complained before) to report the driver.

After I got off the bus, I picked up a one-dollar coin that someone dropped.

Then the thought struck me... why I didn't complain at someone else's misfortune of losing that dollar. Or why I had to be the "lucky" one (if ever there was such a thing as luck) to pick it up.

Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. That's life.

This evening, I stayed back to work. Then just as I walked out of the office, Sup drove into the carpark. He has just picked someone up from the airport and was sending him to the office apartment.

So there, God provided me a chauffeur to send me right home to my door step. (Some "unlucky" taxi driver never got to earn my taxi fare!)

Anyway, for the record, despite the nasty email and the etc's that didn't turn out so well, today has been a very happy day :-)

Perspectives

It is 8.40 pm and here I am still in the office trying to get a grip of the pile of work that has landed on my in-tray awaiting my return. The day has been filled with meetings, updates, decisions that need to be made... I got a nasty email from a senior staff questioning my suitability to sit in my position as department head. The email was copied to my boss.

The old issues that faced me before my trip are still there. My disappointments with people I think should know better; my own failures... things that had turned my heart cold with cynicism. I returned from Yunnan -- my heart stirred back to life again. The real healing must now take place in the same (if not worse) situation I had left behind last year.

I saw in Yunnan the spartened, meager lives of the poor -- the cold winter was too harsh for my pampered body -- despite the seven layers of clothing I had on, my teeth chattered with the cold. I wondered how the poor coped.

We visited the lepers up in the mountains. Ostracised, forlorn, rejected even by family members. One wonders how a single six-hour visit could make a difference to their lives. I tried to talk to an old man -- he was all bend and shriveled up. He never responded to my voice till I took both his hands and began to stroke them. He face instantly litted up -- he smiled his biggest toothless smile. I cut his finger nails and those of five others. I wonder how long it has been since anyone touched them?

Our eyes were teary when we said our good byes to them. They asked when we would return again.

We had left Singapore the day after the Tsunami Disaster struck on 26 December. Reports followed of the rising death toll and destruction. As the reports say, for that one child who had lost all his family, the numbers mean little.

So the issues that I left behind are still here for me. But for 12 days, my sights had been taken off myself to things of greater significance.

I pray 2005 will be a better year... a year less of myself, more of the Lord; more of others. A year with less fighting and wrestling within me. A year of less demands of my rights, a year of acceptance and gratitude.

Pray for me.