Wireless

Yippee doooo! I'm wireless now :-) So fun.

Homesick

It's been more than a week since I've been staying at mum's. Yippee... tonight I'm back to my own nest again. Gosh I really miss my own home. It's not the same any more living where I grew up most of my life. Things change don't they? I've changed!

No connection
The internet connection at home is down... (I'm in my office right now) Hopefully all will be fixed tomorrow... I'm going wireless as of tomorrow if the service provider can set it up. Hmmm... I feel so lost without my computer.

Health updates
Went for a follow up checkup today. All seems to be ok. But we will do a treadmill and blood test next week just to be sure.

Another provision from God
I went to a friend's clinic after my check up at the hospital to get a flu jab. Yeah! No charge for the jab. Another friend sent me a gift of $200 for my Yunnan trip :-) I'm praying that I will get more than need so that I can help with the expenses of the others in my team.

Ok. That's all for now... Thanks for keeping up with my journal. Hopefully the next update will be done at home on my new wireless connection :-)

Heartaches

Was having chest pains all day yesterday. In the evening, after Bible study, Dr HX suggested I get a medical examination done. Was very grateful to have DL and SY with me when we went to the Changi General Hospital. SY who is a staff nurse there was able to help me get around the various counters and examination room without hassle.

The ECG and Xray results are normal. It may be just muscle pull plus all the running around the past week. Heartaches are difficult to deal with... I've an appointment for another heart examination on 29 Nov.

The girls SMSed to find out how I am... I'm thankful for the support group I have.

Lord, make this song mine

Joyful, joyful, we adore thee

Joyful, joyful, we adore thee, God of glory, Lord of love;
hearts unfold like flowers before thee, opening to the sun above.
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness; drive the dark of doubt away;
Giver of immortal gladness, fill us with the light of day!

All thy works with joy surround thee, earth and heaven reflect thy rays,
stars and angels sing around thee, center of unbroken praise.
Field and forest, vale and mountain, flowery meadow, flashing sea,
singing bird and flowing fountain call us to rejoice in thee.

Thou art giving and forgiving, ever blessing, ever blessed,
wellspring of the joy of living, ocean depth of happy rest!
Thou our Father, Christ our Brother, all who live in love are thine;
teach us how to love each other, lift us to the joy divine.

Mortals, join the mighty chorus, which the morning stars began;
Father-love is reigning o'er us, brother love binds man to man.
Ever singing, march we onward, victors in the midst of strife,
joyful music leads us sunward in the triumph song of life.

___________________________________________

Music “Hymn to Joy,” from the 9th Symphony of Ludwig van Beethoven; adapted by Edward Hodges, 1824
Lyrics by Henry J. van Dyke, 1907.

The tune comes from the final movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, his greatest, which took 6 years to write. It is most astounding that this and other great symphonies were written by a man who was "stone deaf".

In 1801 Beethoven wrote: "No friend have I. I must live by myself alone; but I know well that God is nearer to me than to others in my art, so I walk fearlessly with Him. I have always known Him and understood Him. I have no timidity about my music; it can have no ill fate..."

Part 2

To continue... What have I got myself into...

I was feeling really overwhelmed at the whole Yunnan thing that I got myself into. I started crying while driving home... my feelings caught up with me again. All my sense of loss, helplessness, hopelessness.

My relationship with God is still intact. But gosh, it has certainly taken a beating. Cried myself to sleep. Went to church this morning and did more crying during the worship.

Oh God...

What have I got myself into?!

Saturday, 20 Nov, 3 pm - Was home when Jing sent an SMS... "aren't you coming for the Yunnan team meeting at 5 pm?"

Oops... I think I mentioned that I had volunteered myself for trip for less than noble reasons... so sigh... I didn't feel like going to meet a whole bunch of new people (23 are going for the trip) etc.

As the group started discussing fund-raising plans, itinerary, etc... I could feel myself cringing inside.

• Oh my! It's going to be COLD (like O-10 degree - if I got my facts correct). Brrrrrrrr...
• And oh my! So many new people to relate to...
• And, help - it will be HARD WORK over there... we're going to build a bridge (in winter? ahhhhhhhh!)
• And, oh no! We're supposed to help sell 10 t-shirts each for fund-raising... the others have already made cookies to sell etc.
• Then there's the possibilities of SARS returning
• And, oh no, the food... very salty and oily
• And the mountainous roads can be dangerous (someone said you can't see the edge of the road when travelling. Yeiaks! It's a long steep fall down the side of the mountain)
• Go get flu jab... etc... etc...

Aiyoh, and I'm supposed to play "big sister" to them all?

Ahhhhhhhhh...

Well, anyway, no turning back now. God sent the $300 in advance remember?

Out of comfort zone... into twilight zone?

MC came to me with a cheque for $300. She said she had been carrying it around with her for several weeks.

I had decided only 2 weeks ago on impulse that I would volunteer myself for the community trip to Yunnan. I had no clue what the team was planning to do there, or how I could be of service. I only knew I needed to do something drastic to shock myself out of my depression. I don't have the money for the trip. And I still don't know where it's going to come from.

MC knew nothing about my private prayers to God for money. You can imagine how that gift encouraged my heart... kind of like a down payment of more grace to come.

(To be honest, I feel pretty nervy about doing taking this trip - it is absolutely out of my comfort zone)

The same heart that loves

Sigh... the same heart that hurts, is the same heart that loves... you can't shut down one without shutting down the other.*

* Familiar with the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz?
Tin Man is a hard iron man without a heart. He can't feel emotions although he wishes he could. Here's one psychoanalyst of the character Tin Man...

When Idealists get emotionally injured, they tend to erect psychological "barriers" to avoid suffering further damage. It's a completely understandable reaction. The paradox is that the same barriers which prevent them from feeling wounded will also act as barriers that preclude them from feeling loved.

It can be a dangerous trap for an Idealist to become a shielded "tin man." The "protection" thwarts them from getting their own greatest needs met, and thus they can become the bitterest and angriest of people -- with their potential for love, empathy, and understanding completely wasted. Their aptitude for love can become dwarfed by their capability for hate.

It takes great courage to stay vulnerable and open to the possibility of being hurt when you've been injured in the past...

It's hard to keep the barriers down. Be vigilant, and examine yourself often for signs of "tin skin." If you meet a fellow Tin Man, give 'm a hug.

The same heart that loves

Sigh... the same heart that hurts, is the same heart that loves... you can't shut down one without shutting down the other.*

* Familiar with the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz?
Tin Man is a hard iron man without a heart. He can't feel emotions although he wishes he could. Here's one psychoanalyst of the character Tin Man...

When Idealists get emotionally injured, they tend to erect psychological "barriers" to avoid suffering further damage. It's a completely understandable reaction. The paradox is that the same barriers which prevent them from feeling wounded will also act as barriers that preclude them from feeling loved.

It can be a dangerous trap for an Idealist to become a shielded "tin man." The "protection" thwarts them from getting their own greatest needs met, and thus they can become the bitterest and angriest of people -- with their potential for love, empathy, and understanding completely wasted. Their aptitude for love can become dwarfed by their capability for hate.

It takes great courage to stay vulnerable and open to the possibility of being hurt when you've been injured in the past...

It's hard to keep the barriers down. Be vigilant, and examine yourself often for signs of "tin skin." If you meet a fellow Tin Man, give 'm a hug.

Faith crisis?

Faith is hanging on when there is no outward visible sign of hope... and at the end of the day, you know that there's nothing heroic or courageous about it... the truth is, you keep hanging on because there's nothing else left to do, there's no where else to go.

May God find me trustworthy

Collins English Dictionary --
Entrust... If you entrust something important to someone or entrust them with it, you make them responsible for looking after it or dealing with it.

Three times in 2 Timothy, Paul used the word, "entrust"
That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him for that day... (1:12)

Paul, in all his suffering, never lost sight of the One he had put his trust in. He says he knows (ie. has a personal and intimate relationship with) the One he believes in. Like a man who deposits his money in a reliable bank, so Paul deposits himself and the things that matter to him to God for safe keeping.

Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you–guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us. (1:14)

What is this "good deposit" that we have been entrusted with?
God also made an investment in us. Paul said, we have been given "His grace" (1:9) and "the Gospel" (1:11). I have the responsibility to guard it well, and, I have God's Holy Spirit in me to help me carry out His charge.

People guard their treasures and things because they put value on them.
Soldiers guard their post because they have been given orders to do so.
Parents guard their children because of their love and emotional attachments with them.

And how do I guard the "good deposit" God gave me well?
It is to herald it, to be a pioneer in telling people about His grace and His Gospel. And then to teach it.

One of the things I really love to do is teach. Teaching is not just giving instructions, it is to help a person think, feel or act in a new or different way. You show them how to do it. It is a joy and delight for me whenever I see a person's face light up when they understand and put into application a new truth.

Paul wants us to go beyond just teaching God's grace and Gospel. He says,
And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable men who will also be qualified to teach others. (2:2)

He wants the people we teach to be able to pass it on. To guard the Gospel well is to...
...not keep it to myself
...ensure that I pass it on so that it does not die with me

May God find me worthy of the trust He has given me.