Please God, not now, not yet...

Got a call from Mum at about 5.30 pm this evening. She said she was with Dad - he was complaining of pain and inability to move. I spoke to him briefly on the phone. I got teary. I hurriedly tidied my desk, shut down my computer and rushed down to the nursing home.

Another mix of emotions. Fears of another stroke gripped me. I shot a prayer to God. I'm just not ready to lose Dad now. Not now. Strangely he has been a pillar of strength and hope for me. A hope of better days to come.

He was lying curled up in his bed. He refused to move, his contorted face spoke of pain. I wasn't sure what to make of it. The doctors said there was nothing wrong with his reading. (My doctor friend later told me it might be depression.) He talked about dying. He was cynical (like he was fully aware of what was going on.) I massaged him and talked to him. I quietly whispered to him that he HAD to get better for my sake -- he still had his fatherly duties to fulfil... ie. He had said he wanted to be around for my wedding (whenever that ever happens). I'm banking on God to let the old man see his dreams fulfilled (not to mention mine!)

Brian visited him later in the evening with the children. Dad was up and about again.

As only a father can

While driving Dad to church this morning, he suddenly asked me questions regarding the matter that related to my unending circle of self-condemning thoughts that I have been struggling with for the past few days.

God somehow tugged into my faith-venture of taking Dad to church this morning with a blessing for me. I sought to bless Dad but God turned it around, and used him to bless me as only a father can.

You might want to skip reading today's blog

Ramblings for the day...
8.30 am Took my Filipina guest to Kopitiam for breakfast. Went round and round trying to find a parking lot. Then waited and waited for a vacant table... Yeah! We did get some Kaya toast and good Kopi and Teh.
9.15 am Took her to the MRT station.
9.30 am Went to the office to get some work done. Sigh... Took triple time trying to get a simple artwork done (Urgh! Learning new software).
1.30 pm Went to Geylang to buy some Nasi Briyani for Dad. He was delighted :-)
2.00 pm Picked Dad up from the nursing home. Turned on Carreras, Domingo, Secombe... for Dad.
3.00 pm Had my (late) lunch. Then remembered I had left my can of paint in the office. I wanted to paint some picture frames for the office that I had brought home.
3.30 pm Decided to take Dad for a ride with me to the office. Dropped Brian's domestic helper, Sofi, off at his place to clean house. Dad was happy to tag along -- it isn't often he gets to do what "normal" people do.
4.00 pm Got home with my paint... finished painting 10 frames. Dad was happy to get into the "action" by instructing me about the paint job...
5.00 pm Tired. Dozed off in between trying to talk to Dad and listening to music.
5.50 pm Put the Briyani on the stove to warm it up for dinner (in between painting).
6.15 pm Turned off stove. Went to pick Sofi up.
6.35 pm Dug into the sumptuous, celesterol ladened Chicken and Kambing Briyani. (Dad loved it!)
Did more this and that (Gosh! My memory fails me -- what exactly did I do?)
8.00 pm Took Dad back to the nursing home. Decided to take Dad to church tomorrow. Made arrangements to pick him up at 7.30 am since I have the car with me.

Well, if you have been THIS patient in reading my ramblings, then you "deserve" at least to know what's really really going on in my heart... I've been kicking myself the last few days. I discovered parts of me I don't like, that I feel absolutely embarrassed and stupid about. I discovered I'm not good at managing my emotions -- and the whole world can see it but me!! Sigh.

And the other potentially depressing thought... Loving a person is something I can handle (I think). The scary part is whether I will be loved by them (without having to resort to female manipulation!) When you love someone, you feel somewhat "in control" -- the scary part is whether THEY will love you (that they WANT to love you and LIKE to love you). It's the best part I guess when they do.

Wah! I hope somebody special will love me the way I'd like to be loved :-) whether or not I ever get to the point where I can "manage" my emotions.

Pricky bristles on my face

I went to visit Dad again today. He looked so despondent sitting there on his bed. I gave him my cheeriest "Hi Dad" and then a hug and peck. His face lighted up. He grabbed me and hugged me. I could feel his pricky bristles on my face :-)

Funny how I find myself turning on Bach or Puccini or Vivaldi -- music my father loves -- whenever I am home alone. The music has grown on me I suppose after playing it for him week after week for the past year or so. It makes me feel not so alone.

It makes me feel as I felt when I was a little girl... I would be doing my own thing; the music in the background always gave me the warm assurance that Daddy's just a call away.

Tomorrow, Brian and the family, together with Mum, will taking a vacation in Malacca during the long National Day weekend. I'm left to run three homes while they are away! Mum and I reminded Daddy that she would not be able to see him for a few days. I told him I would take him home for the day on Saturday. He counted the days till Saturday and then asked what time I would be there.

He bent his head low -- my coming is never early enough for him. It rends my heart whenever I have to make him wait or to leave him behind at the nursing home.