Ocean wide, mountain high

Just got home from spending time with two good friends. Strange how despite the good time we had, I return home feeling lonely and empty. I am growing increasingly convinced that I have chasm in my heart ocean wide and mountain high...

"Thou hast made us for Thyself, O Lord,
and our hearts are without rest until they learn to rest in Thee."
-- Augustine, 354-430

The root of the matter

I had to transfer one of my plants from the small pot into a bigger one today as it has not been growing. It isn't a very big plant, but it sure made me work hard. Its roots were over grown, there were more roots than there was sand. It was choking itself really.

It made me think about how easily we can get comfortable in our own little pots. Sometimes we come to the point where we simply survive with the meagre water that seeps through the hardened soil. Many things tangle us up but they are all hidden below the surface where no one sees -- hidden sometimes even from our own eyes.

God is doing many things in my life that are shaking me off my comfort zone. He's getting to the root of the matter I might say. I can only echo with the Psalmist...

LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance...
You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
-- Psalm 16:5-6, 11

Wasted worrying

Isn't it funny how we can worry ourselves sick over things that might happen (or might not happen), only to find that things do turn out better than we dared to imagine, and that God does indeed answer prayer?

Strange how we call ourselves children of God and yet when it comes to matters of the heart, we forget that our heavenly Father does care, and that He does do something about it when we talk to Him about it.

God more than answered my prayers today :-))

Must we always have the upper hand?

What if you find yourself at the "losing" end of love?
What if you find yourself loving someone more than they love you?

...A parent aches for their recalcitrant adolescent
...A lover pines for a love that may never be returned
It isn't fun being vulnerable. The one you love can walk out of the relationship unscathed, while you stay on nursing a broken heart.

Can we ever "make" anyone love us? Must love always be "fair"? Must the scale always be set on equilibrium? (Unfortunately life isn't that way is it?) Do we stop loving just because we stand to lose or get hurt? Does love keep a count? Does love say who loves who more?

Are lovers fools?

If God began flinging the words "fair" and "unfair" on us, there would be no reconciliation between us and Him.

God is for the vulnerable, the broken hearted, the widows, the orphans, the poor, the meek, the disadvantaged. He watches over those who dare to love, dare to trust, dare to throw themselves at His mercy, who keep loving even when it hurts, even when it's hard.

A beautiful mind

It's amazing what we hear when we take the time to listen...

To everyone else, he must seem like a "demented old man" -- lost in a world of his own, rambling and repeating himself. He doesn't know the toilet from the sink. Before you can barely answer his question, he ask it all again, and again. A whole hour can pass just answering the same question.

The last time I felt his fatherly affections was ions ago when I was a little girl. I forgot the feeling, the feeling of being his little girl, of being his daughter... What happened? I don't know -- I grew up I guess. We just stopped -- I just stopped being his little girl. He must love me, even if he never said it -- and when he did, it must have been so awkward. I missed being his little girl. I never knew I missed it so much, till now.

Last Sunday (4 July), I sat with him (as I am in the habit of doing every Sunday) and had the most amazing conversation... too precious and private to share at this point... In between the repeats, Dad expressed his love, affection, fatherly care and concern for me. Everything he said, all the advises he made, all his expressed wishes for me made perfect sense - not the ramblings of a demented old man. For the first time in a long time, I felt just how he feels about me.

As if it wasn't enough, he said it all again today.

He looked at the wall of family photos. I pointed out his wedding picture to him... he teased for a moment -- said he couldn't see it. But when Mum walked into the room, he was quick to point her out in the wedding photo and said, "I want to marry her again." He hasn't stopped saying how much he loves her.

A beautiful mind, a beautiful soul... that's my father.

I am overwhelmed.

The best brother in the world

Not so long ago, Brian took me home after our usual Sunday dinners at Mum's. After I got to my apartment on the fourth floor, I realised that I had dropped my housekeys in his car :-( By the time I called Brian, he was already almost home. The poor chap had to backtrack and drive all the way back to my apartment to hand me the keys. I felt terrible about it because I knew how tired he was. I apologised many times - he never uttered a word of complaint. He was so kind and gracious about it. He reassured me many times that it was ok.

Some time later, he sent me home again. And again, when I got to my door, I couldn't find my keys. Was I relieved when I found the keys in my handbag (after pouring out all the contents on the floor!) I told Brian about the incident some days later, to which he responded, "I was wondering why you took so long to get in the house."

I later discovered that Brian has been making a habit of waiting at the carpark till he was sure I got into the apartment safely before driving off. I am deeply touched by his quiet ways of caring.

Our weekly Sunday rides in the car are little times we get to catch up on each other. These days we often pray together for one another at the carpark before I get out of the car.

We talked much about our family and how to take care of our aging parents. Both he and Shirley have decided that mum and dad would move in with them eventually. It is an awesome responsibility to embark on.

It crossed my mind that Brian is the only sibling I have left! I don't know where to begin to express my growing gratitude, appreciation, respect and love for Brian (and Shirley).

How blessed I am to have a good brother (and sister-in-law).